Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
You Might Also Like
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Y’all know who you are.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.