My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
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I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
How did we not see this back then?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?