“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
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ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs