(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
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You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Love this one 😂🧟
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?