Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
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Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Bed should get ready for ME
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.