Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
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7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no