husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
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Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Ken is short for chicken
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
2022: I can fix it
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident