What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
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Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Dishonest mechanic?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time