Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
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I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.