me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
found this cool rock hiking today
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.