Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
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Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.