Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
It doesnât qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, âbut you probably already knew that⌠didnât you?â
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
You had me at âdefine legalâ.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Me: Iâll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Why did I laugh so hard at this đ
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with âmy feelings on our situation have not changed,â so godspeed
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
him: itâs whatâs inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Gmail told me my password wasnât secure enough but I couldnât remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still canât crack it??
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Me: âDid it hurt when you fell from heaven?â
Her:
Me: âI SAID, DID IT HUR-â
Medic: âStep aside sirâ
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Son: I donât like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower