Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
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Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent