Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
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My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
when dads have a rap battle
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up