They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
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Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye