Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
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He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
selena gomez
I have never related to a cat more
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*