A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
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Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Schrödinger’s cookie
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Well, this explains it: