Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
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”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
What
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.