It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy