The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
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whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see