A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
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Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]