Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
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Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)