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Phones down.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
whatcha thinkin bout
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
#milo
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.