Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
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boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.