A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
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Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
This pepper has seen some shit
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊