*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
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Hamburger Hinderer.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
How to properly lift a body