“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
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[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars