I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
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Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.