Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
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All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
ok this is my dumbest yet
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol