I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
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Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper