Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
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When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Lucky old June.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
lmao
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.