[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
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Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
me doing my best
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what