They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
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I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
This could be us but you eatin’
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Lube but for my dry humor.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
They did not think through this water fountain
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*