[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
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me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.