Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
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Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
When I laugh on my period
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one