[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
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Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Stick it to the man
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”