My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
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13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Botany good plants lately?
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Raisins are grape jerky.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”