Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
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some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I saw this ending much differently.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.