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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Catering service
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
i’m still crying at this
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again