Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
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Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again