I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
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[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.