I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
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i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
not to brag, but mine was free
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Why are bridges so flammable.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand