“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
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If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
#SuperBowl
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.