Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
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Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Pizza is an emotion right?
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.