Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
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no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
looks legit
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”