I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
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toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?