Tough love is true love
You Might Also Like
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️