someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
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There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
This might be me.
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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?