When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it