giddy up Office Depot
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Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
🤔😂😂
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now